marchofmaniacs' Journal

3:02am: sex?
why are so many ppl just completely driven by sex? i'm not going to deny that it has influenced me before. gotta admit i took a "sex on the beach" that i made for a friend and fought to give it to a girl...just to have her end up taking a sip and then drop and spill it everywhere. but why do ppl just have it completely affect their lives?
today, i had a "friend", i guess u would call him, call me right when i got off work and ask if i could bring some southern comfort to a party he was at. i heard a lot of laughter and commotion going on and the background, so i was excited to come to the party with something to compliment it. so i finally get there and every1's just chilling outside of the dorm room, drunk as hell. i see a few ppl and my friend hitting on this girl. he sees me and gets all excited. i finally go inside and the parties a dud. no1's there and there's a huge mess. finally, when the girl walks away, he looks at me and says, "i'm going to fuck this girl!" i kinda look at him weird so he says, "what? is she not hot?" i said "no. it's just that the girl's 'been around'." he laughs and says, "that's why you wrap it up!" so i was just like whatever, do what you want. finally, the girl decides to leave and he's still trying to get with her. now he's gone and i'm surrounded by a bunch of drunk ppl that i don't know and the bottle's still not even open. i decide to wait on the guy for a little while longer and took a couple shots from my bottle with one of the lesser drunk ppl. after a while, i'm convinced that now he's not coming back after the girl that he was chasing ran off. so i just leave this sorry excuse for a party.
well, that's the end of the little story. it's funny, it looked like they had a beer pong game going on. i'm tired of seeing that. it's like it can't be a drinking party without beer pong! i hate beer so much. i only have milwaukee's best in my fridge right now because it's pretty much like water and it does what i want it to do. i also got leffe which a co-worker suggested for me to buy.
i don't think i can ever really be "friends" with co-workers. i don't THINK so at least. mainly because i usually seem incompetent and forgetful. in a classroom, i'm just a smart weird guy. ppl can deal with that much better. i was able to befriend some of the ppl at my first job. but that's because i worked there for a year and a half. it takes me a long time to really be comfortable enough to become friends with ppl. well...with guys at least. it usually doesn't take as long for me to become friends with girls. with guys, there seems to be so many unspoken rules and borders you can't cross. with girls, you can tease them, joke with them, and just simply relax. i don't have to worry about being taken advantage of as much with girls. with guys, i've already given one example. i prefer to be nice to others and to be treated equally as nice. to give and be given back to without any really count of who's done what for who. i don't know...i really want a cigarette right now. just want a distraction right now. yet again, the cigarette will make it difficult to go to sleep...o well.
a gotta be A.D.D...i'm gonna try to get something to help...hopefully. i don't know for sure if they'll give it to me though. i hate to say this but i can't do it on my own...u have no idea how much i hate saying that...

12:24am: of course...
why is it that the very next day after i say i was happy, everything wrong happens. fucking fuck! well, i took a quick swig of gin, so i'm feeling a little better. i should start buying beer or something.
i fucking hate my life. every time i feel happy, something happens. life has to counteract it with giving me shit soon after. why? i'm not a bad person, am i? it's not like i do most of this stuff too myself. it all just happens naturally for some reason. i have an asshole boss, it rains ONLY when i'm at work, my internet keeps clicking on and off, and now my powerpoint is completely fucked. i can't do ANYTHING on my powerpoint! i had SO many things i wanted to do on it too. i'm trying to stop saying "fuck my life" because it really isn't that bad...but it's getting harder to see it as a good life. i keep telling myself that it'll all pass and go well eventually. but it seems that every time something good happens, life seems to say, "hey! you're not supposed to be happy! what the fuck do u think you're doing?" and starts beating me down to where i started. so...FUCK MY LIFE!!!

1:48am: XD
i'm really happy for SO many reasons. i know my happiness is going to make me feel like shit in the end just cause of how things are but whatever. i did something that i've wanted to do for a LONG time. it was SO nice. o well, i can't really be descriptive though. but i'm feeling SO happy. happier than i've felt in a LONG time. like before the military kind of happy. it's nice :) my basic demeanor for the passed few months has basically been being pissed off at everything. but i'm FINALLY feeling pretty good :D

well, i was told today by the boss that i hate SO much that if he didn't like me, he would have simply changed me into a different shift. GOD DAMN IT!!! sometimes i hate that i try to get along with every1. well, i've gotten to the point where i'm starting to not care anymore and i'm opening my mouth when i usually don't out of courtesy. luckily i haven't said anything offensive yet :)

well, i'm still happy! :D

7:10pm: contemplation
always choosing the path of least inconvenience. i need to do something but my complacency prevents it. i tell myself that if i find it a big enough issue, i'll be more willing to do something about this personality flaw. but to wait until an irreversible complication arises is just flat out stupid. and yet knowing this fact doesn't influence me into making any recoverable actions. i need to come into some sort of mind altering revelation or something because nothing seems to work. procrastination is another issue. i'll do it later...and i end up never doing it. fuck, i'm gonna do at least SOMETHING.

2:00am: death? religion?
"what happens after death" seems like a question that every1 is too eager to give an answer to without showing any real fact behind their response. it seems the only way to find a true answer is to delve into yourself...which means u must die. but even then u have no way to enlighten others of your discovery.
personally, just the satisfaction of quenching my curiosity isn't enough. i have to inform others of my little discoveries and realizations. this may be because i have some urge to prove that i'm not just another moron. but that's a completely different topic that i'm not going to get into at the moment.
we have religious fanatics that will scream and shout about a higher being that guides where our soul goes. if you have been a good boy and followed these set of rules, u can be happy forever in the afterlife, but if u even look at the cookie jar wrong, u get kicked into a hole; of course some religions may be a little more lenient on the rule book. but which religion is the RIGHT one? most people decide on who's the smoothest talker or who looks the sharpest or who even SCREAMS the last to get your attention. some people just stick with the religion they were born into without even really looking at what it's about. just mindlessly following what they were taught is the "right" way to think and do things and all others should be shunned.
who's to say there is even a god at all! when we die, our souls could just wonder into nothingness. or we may not even have souls at all! we may not be any better than the animals we slaughter and we just cease to exist once our brain no longer have the capability to send electrical charges. why are WE so much more special than a monkey or elephant, just because we can manipulate our surroundings better to our satisfaction. we are probably even worse than the animals because of HOW we manipulate these things. our only priority is the satisfaction of our own self. i'm saying this as a whole population. as an individual, you are whatever u want to be. but as a whole, we are stupid, cowardly, and deathly afraid of any real change. that is unless you have the right kind of speakers.
that is the great thing about speech. if you say the right things, and if u put enough emotion behind it, you can get people to do the most amazing things; build fantastic structures, kill women and children, or even kill themselves.
yet again, i'm heading off topic.
now the idea of heaven. it is the eternal bliss beyond our mortal lives...so nothing wrong ever happens? you are in eternal serenity? nothing bad ever happens and everything's always perfect. the first thing that comes to mind is "boredom". how can you truly appreciate the things around u if you aren't occasionally reminded of what it's like to be without? you end up taking things for granted and eventually become bored of what you have. which also bothers me about immortality. eventually you're going to learn EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING and nothing will seem interesting anymore because you've seen it happen a million times before.
i think the search for immortality is simply people trying to run away from the unknown because people fear what it may hold. you never know, these fears may be for good reason and what lies beyond is worse than anything imaginable.
well, i could go on forever but i should have gone to sleep a LONG time ago. BYE!!!

11:27pm: damn...y?
why is it that a girl is a lot nicer and more talkative when they want to go out with u? and then when they lose interest, they just don't seem quite as interested in u. that sucks. it's happened SO many times. i just have difficulties asking a girl out. i don't know if i have bad timing or what. or do i ask the wrong person? either way, it seems to ruin a perfectly good friendship. now it's even WORSE that i live so far away from every1. i had this cute girl that i've been wanting to ask out for a while finally ask ME out...but since we lived so far away from each other and i didn't have a car to come visit, i tried not make it an official relationship cause i was afraid that it would drive me crazy being away from a gf like that. but i ended up getting attached and(as expected) it started driving me crazy. then she pretty much just stopped talking to me. probably cause i said some stupid stuff :( i seem to do that a lot. so now she's got a bf and i convinced her that we can just be friends. o well...life goes on. it just sometimes seems like i will never find a girl. ESPECIALLY in a new area. it's hard enough for me to just meet AND get along with ppl in general. and i'm thinking i won't get along with ppl at work that well. just a guess. i don't know why but i pretty much alienate myself from every1 at work...not quite sure why. wow, repeated myself :P i guess that's what happens when you're tired.
need some sleep! well, at least i'm in a better mood because of this weekend. i'm not really wanting to listen to angry music as much :D i'm gonna go to sleep though.

1:10pm: damn it
well, i'm conflicted again. the usual paranoia. that's why i like blunt ppl; i don't have to worry if they're just trying to be courteous. they'll out right say "no!". none of this, "what if i hurt his feelings" bull crap. why do YOU need to worry about MY feelings? the straight facts are much better than the overly cushioned courtesy of complacency. if u know that me being there is going to bother u or other ppl, then just so "no, u can't come". if u don't like me anymore, say something like "leave me alone, i'm tired of u always being around me". i'm human so it's going to hurt a little, but i don't want to be around if it's just going to be an annoyance.
sadly, i do the same thing sometimes. i don't like to, but i really don't think ppl will understand my directness. i don't want to be considered a mean person. why that's so, is because i don't like being judged before some1 meets me. if i treat 1 person mean, than another person will not like me without even getting to know me just because of what others tell them. i try not to judge others by what ppl tell me because i prefer to get to know them for myself. i may have a completely different opinion of this person. i know a few times i've been told negative things about a person and i found out myself that they aren't so bad. well, i'm starting to be irrationally paranoid of this guy that just sat next to me, so i'm gonna go...

5:09pm: hey! i'm finally back!...after 14 weeks
well, i was thinking...i'm afraid to get in another relationship. i remember the last relationship i was in i COMPLETELY screwed it up(doesn't really matter though cause she was a bit of a slut). i kept talking about RACHEL. i'm not sure if it was because i was still not over her or because i'm so slow in adapting. either one's believable.
1. after the breakup with my second gf, a few months later rachel got in contact with me. we ended up seeing each other again and a few months later i was thinking about going out with her again...but she screwed up...fucking nympho...poor girl...
2. with the adaptation to new scenarios in my life, i'm slow at it. which can be annoying at times but once i finally do adapt in the way i feel is needed or tweak the details where i feel necessary, i'm perfectly fine...if not better.
i'm afraid that i'll fall too quickly. i remember when my last gf broke up with me after only a month of dating, i crashed so hard. which was pretty stupid because i was thinking about breaking up with her for a while. i just didn't mentally detach myself yet...or was it because she got a bf only a week after she broke up with me. that would make sense too.
o well. i don't know y i'm worrying so much anyways. it seems that she's starting to lose interest in me anyways. i don't know, i just might be paranoid. i'll just stop thinking about it now.

12:51pm: military fun?
well, i haven't been on here even CLOSE to what i used to be. it's either that i'm not as emotionally discombobulated as before or it's been harder to get on the computer. either way, life's been a lot less of a roller coaster. things are a bit smoother but still bumpy. i guess this is just the road to a better life. i'll never regret joining the military.
well, i guess i'll try to update things as best as i can...just let me check what i wrote last...OK!...that was interesting...?
well, a beer or wine cooler sounds nice right now. not really to get drunk, just to help release the stress.
i was GOING to see some of my friends this weekend but i ended up getting to my cell too late because of my fucking MTL HAD to do inspections THAT day of all days. so i'm kinda pissed about that.
classes have luckily been easy so far. just simple procedures and the RElearning of tools. luckily this is much more hands on training. that sgt. that i spoke of in the other blog has started to get annoying. probably because he's no long class leader or something. well, the reason he's no longer class leader is cause there's now some1 of the same rank but been there longer.
i've been learning how to golf recently. i guess that's kinda interesting.
well, i can't think of anything else to talk about. BYE!

10:19pm: hey! A! A!...B?
i'm tired and bored. well, it's another weekend and i probably got nothing worth while to do. of course i'm going to do something here or there but nothing that really matters to me. i don't get as excited about alcohol as i used to. the interest and enjoyment has pretty much faded for it. this seems to happen to me a lot. which actually scares me a little. will that happen to everything i really enjoy? i seem to have some sort of anti-addictive personality...which seems a bit odd to me. hopefully it's just because i'm not drinking with what i consider true friends. it's just with some people i've met at the AFB.

well, kathleen seems to have disappeared on me. that's too bad. i really enjoyed her. i probably could figure out a way to get a hold her but some weird self conscious thing is stopping me. i hate it but still hold on to it with pretty much a death grip. for some reason i'm constantly feeling like i'm just in the way. which i'm sure i'm not as much as i usually think. i know i'm a weird guy a i severely stick out like a sore thumb when i start opening up to the ppl around me. the main reason i try so hard to interact with ppl sometimes is in a sad way like practicing. i'm stilling trying to learn what i can or can't say. i am STILL clueless on why ppl act a certain way, even though every1 seems to do the exact same thing. luckily i think i got the basics though. god, sometimes i just feel like an alien amongst all these "normal" ppl. i need to be around my enjoyably odd friends again. luckily, there's a fairly intellectual and down to earth sgt in my class. he's the main person that keeps a good control on how the classroom is held. well, i'm not going to waste all my time on here buh-bye

8:12pm: loner?
well, it looks like i screwed up a perfectly good friendship, AGAIN! it's just like last time! now it IS official, i'm NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR asking another girl out EVER again. and i was thinking i would never ask a girl out before and then i ACTUALLY put in an effort and tried to get over this stupid fear and BAM! same EXACT thing ends up happening. i lose a PERFECTLY good friend yet again. so fuck it. i don't give a damn. if a chick actually wants to go out with me, then they're just going to have to ask ME out. i don't care if i end up being alone for the rest of my life because of it. it's SO unneccisarily stupid and annoying. i've been alone most my life, why not go the rest of it the same way? it's so much more comfortable anyways. so...bye! :)

7:58pm: AIRFORCE!!!
lol, i have been on this in a LONG time. back when i was in a "band". i miss my bass. well, i'm now in the military and semi-enjoying every second of it. i miss my friends of course; mainly cause it's so hard for me to get new 1s. first of all, i'm a weird guy and second, i'm not a very trusting person. well, i'm still trying to time everything so i can get everything i have set me goals to accomplished. my goals are to read more(more than being met), start working out again, STOP being lazy, and lose a little bit of weight cause i gained about 10 or 15 pounds once i was unleashed after graduation :P. when you are given only so long to eat, you take every second you can to eat...which is bad when you are all of a sudden given a shit load of time. well, i shouldn't waste all my time on here. BYE

9:29pm: blah, blah, blah?
well, i (hopefully) will be getting $1,750 from a band that i haven't seen in a few months. i was SO excited that i thought i'd make it even better by drinking an energy drink before work. now, i'm on a crash. i started crashing right at 3 and it has gotten better since. i need to refer back to 1 of my livejournal entries to remember what i was going to buy this 1 chick that i kept forgetting to buy presents for. now i'm gonna try making up for it. i wouldn't do this for any1 else, it's just that she's such a good friend(in a way). she's the only person that's made my birthday worth remembering.

i am SO sore. i work out monday and my calves and chest STILL hurt...MAINLY my calves. i miss working out.

hopefully (with this extra money) i'm going to be getting an apartment pretty soon. can't wait! :)

10:45pm: ...yes? no! wait! i change my answer; it's no...i think
well, let's see. i'm in 2 bands but haven't practiced in WAY too long. i've been trying to practice my bass more. trying to learn this bass song and it's been an uphill job so far. i'm still living at my friend's house...maybe longer than i expected...well, i'm getting off cause some1's waiting on me, so i'm gonna go

8:52pm: living
well, i was homeless for 2 or 3 days...maybe more...depends on how technical u want to be. things have been weird. i've ended up staying with a friend's family for the month. i've been sleeping in their guest bedroom. i brought some clothes, my bass, and the book i've been reading. it's all five of the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy series thingy. it's a good book so far. well, i remember having more to say when i first started this yesterday. well, i'm probably going to move into another apartment once i'm out of here. my brother's going to be there with me, but only as a guest. so we aren't going to be sharing our rooms and he's only paying for the electricity+$20. i could pretty much live on my own there, but i don't want my brother homeless. i wish that one friend got a job so we could room together, or my other friend would move to pasadena. o well, things don't always work the way u want...and i'm starting to get used to it
I HATE MY MOM!!!
random outburst. well, things seem to be pretty cool here. no rent payment, internet, cable, and so much more :). well, i guess that's somewhat an update of what's going on in my life

12:53am: i'm alive!!!
yeah, no real reason for that title. i'm at a friend's house and she wants me to leave but i thought i would get on this real quick for the hell of it :). well, i got a job(don't know how she knew that), and it awsome, bye

10:30pm: hmm...
eh, i hate and love her. sometimes she frustrates me so much that my head just starts to throb in pain, but she is one of the best friends i've ever had. i'm not quite sure what sets her apart for all the other potential best friends i could have had. i guess in others flaws, i feel more at home in. i'm still kinda confused why she picked me. i'm guessing it's her desperation in finding a more trust worthy or reliable friend...though neither of those are completely right. let me think...well, her last true best friend was a failure and crashed horribly in the end, in which she's still gathering together the remains of her confidence(though she still does have an extreme grudge against her for many reasons). luckily she has recovered from here frightened paranoid stage with me. i guess i'm a person that will reliably last longer than her other friend. i guess it's because of those times i was living so close to her and was easy access for her entertainment and gradually became more relaxed and comfortable of my presence...which also kinda doesn't make much sense because she would be the one to suggest picking me up before i moved near her. i guess she was just scavenging for whatever friends she had left...she knew i was a for sure friend while so many others were still in a flux. it's weird, she has almost become like a sister to me. sure, i make sexual jokes here and there with her, but i'm not quite sure if i could actually be romantically involved with her. it's funny, when she was making attempts to get me excited, i found it entertaining and arousing, i still didn't have any thoughts of attempting anything with her. lol, all her attempts to create a "tent" failed, but i would keep saying "you almost did!" just so she wouldn't feel bad. maybe it's my own moral restrictions because i've had issues with some1 that was already involve and that went horribly bad because of a...i guess miss communication on her part. i'm not saying i'm not at all at fault, because i should have known better. well, i usually don't name names but this person that i started writing about from the beginning is such a large influence that i thought it was some what necessary...i may rethink this because it involves some invasion of privacy for her. well, i guess no1 needs to know who i'm talking about then...well, i'm just going to end this paragraph with: i have 3 people that have hurt me to such an unforgettably blinding extent and this is 1 of them...

well, i got band practice tomorrow or today...i'm not sure of what time it is. i'm so excited that i'm in a band!...and SO nervous, cause i don't think i'm all that good yet. i'm to wake up and directly call him to give me a ride to practice...i guess i should get a shower first. and the next day i have orientation, so that's gonna suck...but it's cool cause it means i'm definitely getting the job. $7.20 an hour is the best i've gotten so far. it will put me out of a few debts on the first paycheck :). i can't wait to move out again...but that's the confusing part. i still may be getting into the airforce, and it's sounding more and more like a for sure thing...but i want to help my friends get out of their places too. i should be getting a motorcycle soon! finally, my own transportation! no more relying on others and going through others for a ride. i just need to get my M license...i think. i also need to wait until my mom sells her property, which also means i'll no longer have a home. my older brother suggested me living with him...but i don't want to intrude. hopefully things will work out for the best.

i don't want to go to sleep! i don't want to sleep on the floor again! i got band practice and there are going to be important ppl there watching us! i fucking HATE this! i swear i'm going to shoot some1 if i don't go to the military, because all this bullshit is from my expectations of going into the airforce. it's already bad enough that i'm going flip out if i'm not in by august...but to not go at all just may be a snapping point.

i think i've pretty much covered every subject on my mind except for 1. but it's so hopeless now that i no longer see the point in caring...but i also see every reason to care...why does it have to be so complicate? lmao, she just thought it was some internet fling! lmao, it's weird what ppl will assume just to make themselves feel better. well, i guess the way i left her, there had to be some kind of lie to make things better i guess.

I LOVE TOOL!!!! XD

11:18am: thinking...with some excitement in it!
well, i don't think i'm going to be getting that pell grant yet. mainly because i'm afraid i'll fail 1 of my classes again. i already wasted a few hundred bucks just to fail my algebra class. i was thinking i should wait until i get into the military(then i won't need the grant), or until they finally tell me there's no way i can get in the airforce. then, i guess, i would HAVE to get that college education.

i'm a bassist in a band!!! yay! this is SO awesome! i've been telling every1 i can! they are all SO good...but i'm not so much...but i've been literally practicing my fingers raw. and i'm still practicing right now while i'm on the computer. i got band practice again on tuesday. our first real practice was on...saturday? i don't know cause it's been such an exciting few days that it's hard to track.

i also got a job at walmart that pays me $7.20 an hour! yay! i took the drug test and all i need to do now is wait for their call some time this week.

i should also be getting a motorcycle once my mom sells her property! super yay! :)

10:31pm: rambling
i already miss arkansas...things were simpler there. i hate my family...they're all losers. i'm trying to break free from them, but it's so hard. please, could some1 point out some1 that has DONE something with their life in my family? i guess my oldest brother...he's a photographer that travels the world. let's start from oldest to youngest...excluding Toby(my oldest bro). my mom lives in a run down shack and barely making it(lazy bitch). my dad is constantly getting into things that he finds out too late that he doesn't like and wastes SO much time and money. Jarad is a loser that doesn't like to get outside his confort zone...so he doesn't(fucking loser), and when something gets "too hard" he just gives up(he's such a dumbass). Evan is THE biggest loser of them all.
fuck it, i don't feel like talking about it anymore.
i sent a few messages to a friend earlier...since i'm not exactly in the best of moods right now, i probably sound like an ass in both of them. i'm so confused on what i'm going to do with my life. so many things are going on and i don't know what's going on...i don't even know what the deadline is...that's probably the worst part. not know when the final desition is going to be made. i feel like shit. i have so much i can write in this, about arkansas and all the things that happened...but all i can seem to think of right now is how much my life sucks.
{remember, still need to apply for the pell grant}
i go to arkansas, expecting the place to be worse than this place...but it wasn't. her mom seems so much more real than mine. now, i'm back at this shit hole...i need out!!! for the love of GOD, i need some place to be other than this festering crap heap, surrounded by these losers that have plenty of space to go up, but seem to enjoy the breeze through their hair as they gradually slide downward into a blur of nothingness! they are going NOWHERE! and i don't need that! to some1, my dad may not be all that great, but he's my only insperation that life can be better than what it is. some people may want to recreate their childhood for their children, believing that if they turned out fine, then their kids will be ok too. my dad taught me that u shouldn't recreate your childhood, but fine-tune it so it will be getter than what u had.
well, so many things have been going through my mind that now it's just blank, i guess shutting down before it overloads :)

12:45am: yay!
i'm gonna be going to the bus tomorrow...and i'm not at ALL ready! :P i need to pack, move the tree limbs, finish the dishes, and...i guess get that that pell grant cause this chick's mom told me to. eh, y not? if i end up going to the military, i can just give the money back. i just hate using money that i haven't exactly earned. i know i could save up, and go to college later...but y turn down perfectly good advice? lol, anyways, she told me to call her later this week and tell her how it went. can't tell her i didn't feel like going. well, back to what i was saying. i can't wait to leave to arkansas! finally, i can TRUELY escape from everything! yay!

AAAAHHH!!! my chest is SO sore...or my pectoralis major. lol, i've been looking at this anatomy book for a few days now. i'm not quite sure why...i guess just out of curiosity or something. but yesterday, i did this certain work-out for my chest that doesn't usually hurt so much during the work-out, but hurts like crazy afterwards. but it's given my good results so far! i should probably start doing the dishes. i'm gonna TRY to stay up all night, until my brother comes home and helps me move the branches. it's weird how my younger brother all of a sudden disappeared...o well! well, i need to pack too...but i'll do that at the last second. i hate when i feel like i HAVE to do something and i got nothing to do. o well, bye! yay arkansas! and yay for alcholics that don't mind buying their kids liquor! :D

10:59pm: what's on my mind now?...
this is all that i'm thinking of as of now...

it's almost $90 dollars for a bus to arkansas. it will take about 14 or 16 hours to get there. it's almost $70 for next month's storage bill. i think i will be paying the august bill VERY late. once i get to arkansas i'm expecting to have to wait a few hours before she will actually pick me up. i need to go through my storage to go through some clothes i can take. i will be bringing my guitar, clothes, the weird salon hair stuff, maybe soap, and tooth paste and brush(may or may not be stolen from mom). i'm expecting to be doing plenty of hard work, running, and MANY blurry nights with her :)...but MUST not get too familiar with her friends and family.

once i get back...things get EXTREMELY complicated. my life will have to go through 1 of three different roads. i will list it from most likely to least likely.

1. i will be living with my brother in my mom's house. i will either get an oil change job or work at powell. either way, i'll be saving up for a car. then i will try to find a place for me and her. then...i don't know...

2. i will be living with my friend's family for about a month, saving money working at her job or a lube job to pay for a house. once we get enough for the house and she gets enough for her car, all three of us will move into a house. if the master bedroom has it's own bathroom or if it is nearly 2 times bigger than the other room, they're rooming together. if the rooms are roughly the same size, i will sleep in the living room. why? i'm not quite sure...it seems like the right thing to do. even if i'm sleeping on the couch, i'm WAY better off than before. i can't possibly stress that enough. well, if there IS a slight difference in the size of the rooms she's obviously going to get the bigger one. the other chick is not even going to have a job for probably the first month. hopefully with the three way payment of fees, i will be able to work on my degree or save up for a car of my own. we will transfer mine and the other's belongings by way of boyfriend abuse and maybe a little bit of bribing ^_^ :P.

3. i will have the doctor double check me and say i'm perfectly fit for going into the airforce and end up in boot camp within (hopefully) a few months

of these three, i wish for the second one to happen most of all. and maybe because i'm thinking of it too much, it's not going to happen at all the way i expect it to. either way, i don't really care anymore, it couldn't possibly get any worse than it has gotten now.

it's funny these statements my friend is making about me and this other friend of mine. i don't really know how to act when she says these things. i want to joke around and agree, but i also want to disagree and explain why that won't be happening. i'm REALLY confused about that.

let's see...what else is on my mind...o! it's been HELL doing yard work for money for my mom. especially since i've started doing some REALLY strenuous weight lifting with my dad resently. luckily i had a brake from it all today, but i NEED to start working harder to get my money from her. i NEED the money. i have about $100 total right now. i NEED $160 to get everything done as planned. let's see...$20 for the swing-blade stuff, $20 for mowing the lawn...and hopefully the rest and a little bit more for doing the back yard. hopefully i'll also be getting another $20 for doing this lady's yard.

i hope everthing'll work out for the best...

12:04am: ..?
why am i only comfortable talking to u? y isn't it so easy to talk to every1 else. i know i'm never going to be completely relaxed with my other best friend. and i was able to completely relax with my ex...but that i don't really need to explain.










am i going emo? damn it! i've realized i've been making some emoish slips, but i never thought i would actually BE emo. this is bullshit!...fuck! i can't be emo! i've never thought about suicide! fuck it, i know i'm fucking emo. it's hard to deny anymore...i fucking hate emos...

5:38pm: *sigh* i was in the middle of writing something when stupid stuff happened and it was erased. so i've decided to write something perkier!

well, i got $25 for mowing the lawn yesterday. and the day before i got $50 bucks for mowing a friend's yard and for some money she owed me. i still need to cash the check though. i paid my storage bill! so that's good. i might start sleeping in this tent that's outside...might. lol, wow, this isn't perky at all. this is just a report on resent in my life...and i'm leaving stuff out.

it's funny, ppl listen to sad music when their depressed. but i have figured out that listening to that kind of music my be comforting, but it helps nothing. like right now, i WAS listening to more mellow music and then i reallized that it's just keeping my additude. now that i'm listening to something more fast-paced, i'm feeling much better. bye!

10:12pm: complicated
it's funny, when i want to see her face the most, it's always turned away. sure, i can see hear smileing face if i wanted...but i shouldn't have to see it through others. i need to find more single friends. it seems that every friend i hang out is in a relationship. i'm perfectly fine when they aren't with their other...but i become so depressed when i see them together. it's not that i'm not happy for them, it's that i'm so unhappy about myself. i just don't need their flying affections reminding me...and pissing me off. why did i have to get into such screwed up relationships? i guess i have to to truely appreciate a good relationship.

why are girls so quick to cry? it seems that i hear about them crying at least 2 or 3 times a week. i told her if he doesn't make her happy more than sad, than it's not worth it. but does she listen? NO!

it was so stupid. i remember going to this stupid little over night walkathon thing. basicly, we just keep walking in circles on a track and camp in the middle of the feild. well, i have my moments when i prefer to just be alone and think. well, i was walking along the track, thinking, and my girlfriend at the time was walking with a friend of hers in the opposite direction towards me. when she passed me, she said "hi" and i responded in kind with a smile, but i kept walking in the same direction. later on, her friend walks up to me and tells me that my girlfriend is crying over that shit. she doesn't come to me and ask what's wrong, NO, she just goes into her own self pity. what the fuck is that?!? that is why i hate emos. they seem to ENJOY being sad. i HATE being sad...that's all i have to say for now

12:12am: don't understand? good!
i prefer to be vague when i write these. no 1 is blamed. i like that because there really isn't any1 to blame but myself. i would rather not have ppl understand me...i don't know why. i would rather be ununderstandable, surprising. i don't like ppl thinking they know what i'm going to do next. i like surprises and being spontaneous. being able to always predict what's going to happen next is so boring. the problem is that i never know where my emotions are going to swing me. i don't know if i'm going to fly high or fall on my face. that is probably 1 thing i wish i could predict. am i bi-polar? eh, you never know...but i don't think so. guess it's just boredom. if i had something to do more often, it wouldn't be so bad. i wouldn't have time to think about life.

why am i so depressed right now? is it because i never see her? or is it because i'm never going to see her? 2 girls, 2 problems, and no simple solution :). i think i should get away from ppl that are in relationships. when i never saw them tegether, i was perfectly fine. but now i see him and her together. that just may be it!...but it may also be that this 1 chick just sent me something...i miss her...but i need to stop think about her before i start making myself too depressed again...too late...bye...